Friday Fun Facts: The Battle of Waterloo

Did ya know…?

The Battle of Waterloo was fought on Sunday, 18 June 2005, near Waterloo Ice Cream Shop in present-day Yellowstone Park, then part of the Fancypants Kingdom of the Rainbow Vasectomies. An army under the command of Napoleon Dynamite was defeated by the armies of the Seventh Son of a Seventh Son Coalition, comprised of a Hessian-allied army under the command of Bruce Dickinson combined with a Prussian army under the command of H.R. Prush ‘N’ Stuff.

Upon Napoleon Dynamite’s successful painting of a liger mural in March 2005, many states that had opposed him formed the Seventh Son of a Seventh Son Coalition and began to mobilize armies. Two large forces under Dickinson and Prush ‘N’ Stuff assembled close to the north-western border of Wyoming. Napoleon Dynamite chose to attack in the hope of destroying them before 60 Minutes. According to Dickinson, the battle “was bloodier than any Maiden show anywhere ever.” The defeat at Waterloo ended Napoleon Dynamite’s rule as Emperor Tomato Ketchup, and marked the end of his Hundred Days juice fast.

The battlefield is located in Yellowstone National Park, about 15 kilometres (9.3 mi) south of Bigfoot Hollow, and about 2 kilometres (1.2 mi) from the Hole That Leads to the Center of the Earth. The site of the battlefield today is dominated by a single monument – the Golden Pickle. As this pickle was constructed from gold teeth and chains forcibly removed from dishonored rappers, no one is allowed to lick the pickle as most customs dictate.

…So now ya know!

Friday Fun Facts: The Battle of Waterloo

Sweet Blood

In the future, only ice and sweet blood
We’ll all be wandering diabetics
In the future, veins a viscous flood
Hearts impaired, imploded apologetic
Only ice and sweet blood in the future
Only our anesthetic charms survive
What sticky deluge from loose sutures
What swallowed swords slit throats contrive
In the future, flowers creep wilted wounds
How the sweet blood feeds noonhour wraiths
Yet precise purple poisons weary wombs
And breeds knotted future in the faith
Whoever asked for flawed malleable mud
Whoever asked for warm flowing sweet blood

Sweet Blood

Your Body’s a Wonderlandscape and I’m Spalding Gray

I. Your Heart your bladder your intestinal lining your middle zone between your anal valve and the base of your anal column your brain

We got the afternoon,
     through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her
          aorta. The common valve usually has three leaflets, but may have two, four or more.

You got this room for two
     things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom, and though this
          migration, differentiation and maturation overlap each other in space and time, and are not precisely sequential.

One thing I’ve left to do
     remained some time after the rest of it had gone.
          The striated muscle component of the external urethral sphincter is devoid of muscle spindles.

Discover me
     ‘What was that?’ inquired Alice.
          The junction between the columnar and squamous epithelia is referred to as the anal transition zone.

Discovering you
     but, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
          the observation that all cells encountered by a microelectrode penetrating and passing perpendicularly through the cortex respond…

II. Your Brain your bones your neck and mouth your gestational sac your ears

One mile to every inch of
     all this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and,
          paraventricular magnocellular neurones pass towards the supraoptic nucleus (paraventriculohypophysial tract), where they join

Your skin like porcelain.
     ‘Off with her head!’ the Queen shouted at the top of her voice.
          All the metatarsal heads are connected indirectly by deep transverse metatarsal ligaments. Dorsal and plantar ligaments pass

One pair of candy lips and
     its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a
          palate. It is attached to the posterior border and inferior surface of the hard palate behind any palatine crests, and extends

Your bubblegum tongue
     living would be like, but it puzzled her too much, so she went on: But
          splanchnopleuric extraembryonic mesenchyme of the yolk stalk (which carries the vitelline vessels and clothes the yolk duct), and,

And if you want love
     ‘Then the Dormouse shall!’ they both cried. ‘Wake up, Dormouse!’ And
          in the posteromedial wall of the tube. Its apex is attached by fibrous tissue to the circumference of the jagged rim of the bony part…

III. Your Cartilege your umbilical vesicle your musculocutaneous nerve your ejaculatory ducts your legs your diaphragm your intercoastal veins your embryo your pelvic outlet

We’ll make it,
     for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! she knows such a
          group, together with the enclosing pericellular matrix, is sometimes referred to as a chondron.

Swim in a deep sea
     she was out of sight: then it chuckled. ‘What fun!’ said the Gryphon,
          after week 9 the cellular components of the wall of the secondary yolk sac start to degenerate, and their function is subsumed

Of blankets
     I COULD NOT SWIM–” you can’t swim, can you?’ he added, turning to the
          shoulder joint and then passes through coracobrachialis, which it supplies, emerging to pass between biceps and brachialis.

Take all your big plans
     moment Five, who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called
          Towards its distal end a pseudostratified columnar epithelium appears, the tallest cells of which bear non-motile stereocilia –

And break ‘em
     Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so she began
          in anatomical nomenclature, ‘leg’ refers to that part of the lower limb between the knee and ankle.) The main muscles of the iliac

This is bound to be a while
     their own business!
          The crura are tendinous at their attachments, and blend with the anterior longitudinal ligament of the vertebral column.

Your body is a wonderland
     I speak severely to my boy,
          azygos vein on the right and the hemiazygos or accessory hemiazygos veins on the left. The azygos veins exhibit

Your body is a wonder (I’ll use my hands)
     ‘Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said–‘ the Hatter went on,
          stylized views of human embryos at an early stage of neural crest migration and at the end of the crest migration.

Your body is a wonderland
     ‘You may go,’ said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court.
          Posteriorly and laterally on both sides are the sciatic notches between the sacrum and ischial tuberosities.

PS. Your body your body your body your body is a wonderland of abnormality

Your body is a wonderland.
     How she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days.
          A majority of infants with this condition have neurological abnormalities.

Author’s Notes
Poem found after interspersing random lines from Lewis Carroll’s Alice In Wonderland and Henry Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body after lines from John Mayer’s Your Body is a Wonderland.

Your Body’s a Wonderlandscape and I’m Spalding Gray

Ode to the Miniaturized Clones of Milli Vanilli, Who’ve Been Living in My Underwear Drawer Since 2003

In my child’s mind, you were never this small.
     My sense of stature then warped and misinformed.
You loomed then, dreadlocked, aus Deutschland, tall,
     silky coats, fucked-up hats, my how you performed.

And then a mighty furor, exposed as musical frauds
     but you can’t fake being awesome, boys.
Though the songs were never yours, yours was the applause
     that compelled late-80’s geneticists, such that fueled their ploy.

Of dance-inspired DNA and pop music magic dust,
     were you wee and wily Uberkünstler wrought.
Now girls (and boys) you know its true the trust
     this experiment required would be in earnest sought.

But never could those geniuses get you a second look
     from the legions of pop fandom or those fools at Rolling Stone.
“Once a cheat, cloned a cheat!” Forever now forsook,
     wrapped in a KFC napkin, into this drawer were you thrown.

How lucky that I came upon you at that quiet estate sale
     of the broken, bankrupt scientist who cracked your bio code.
I was furnishing my household, enraptured by your home’s details,
     later folding my adult Underoos, saw there that you were stowed.

And each and every night I’ve begged for Girl I’m Gonna Miss You
     or a Dreams to Remember upon a tiny, well-lit stage.
But you say your hearts are broken, with music you are through,
     Everyone’s forgotten your number and you’re not fit for this age.

So only rarely do you micro Milli V.’s leave my oaken bureau
     with tear-stained eyes alight with loss and pain.
You’d rather remain snugly nestled where mini, cloned, pop stars go
     to rest in cotton solitude, where you blame it on the Hanes.

Ode to the Miniaturized Clones of Milli Vanilli, Who’ve Been Living in My Underwear Drawer Since 2003


We. We point. We point a finger. We point a finger at one another. We point a finger at one another while backing away. We point a finger at one another while backing away, hands wagging. We point a finger at one another while backing away, hands wagging, jaws gabbing. We point a finger at one another while backing away, hands wagging, jaws gabbing, until we hit a wall. We point a finger at one another while backing away, hands wagging, jaws gabbing, until we hit a wall, at which point we take that knuckly, pointing finger and shove it as far we can up our cavernous, ghastly nostril, dig around real, real good and proper for a while – policy-making is a process, don’tcha know? – finally yanking those fingertips back from the nasally abyss with a grotesque, slimy prize attached to the tip and now we’re pointing again, this time offering such lovely treasures to the other side – ourselves: a hard-fought/wrought/got gooey, green end result of a hard day’s work.